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This was previously on Ann's Page


Spock and Dracs - How to deal with Junk EMail


Being webmasters, Spock and Dracs have their own email address and Inbox. Inevitably they get their share of junk emails. A lot of the emails allege that they have the boys' address because they filled in a feedback form or registered with the website. Given the nature of some of the emails, this makes me wonder exactly what the pair of them get up to after I've gone to bed for the night!

The boys have now started to retaliate and have responded to a number of the senders in their own inimitable style. They have never received any further junk mail from the recipients!

To the makers of septic tanks who thought the boys might be interested in buying one from them.

It was very kind of you to think of us. We were extremely interested to read about your septic tanks and have given the idea of purchasing one a great deal of thought. However, after much consideration, we've decided to stay with our litter tray.

Siamese cats Spock and Dracs

To a lady called Linda Gillie, who sent them a very long email all about a product called "Weigh Out" and how it had revolutionised her life by helping her to lose weight.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. What exactly IS a weight problem? Is it like when we find something really interesting in the garden and it's too heavy to drag home? As we are two Siamese cats, food is of all consuming interest to us, especially when it's on the plate of the human with whom we live. If you could bottle some of that, let us know.

Spock and Dracs

To the sender of an email which included the following lines:

"End your performance problems and enlarge your equipment without pills, pumps, or sketchy snake-oil remedies."

Thank you for sending us this email. We were fascinated at the thought of enhancing our performance without any of the things you mentioned. Being 2 cats, it's extremely difficult for us to operate pumps and open snake oil bottles. (It's all to do with not having opposable thumbs.) As for pills, we hate them. We don't actually use any equipment to catch our mice and we think our performance at that is pretty good already, so we feel, on balance, that we have to decline your tempting offer.

Spock and Dracs

To the sender of an email offering web hosting and email addresses, who was foolhardy enough to include the information that he had an equal opportunties policy.
We really must congratulate you on your enlightened equal opportunities policy. It's the first time we've ever known Siamese cats to be included in one. (You did realise you were emailing two cats didn't you?) We are very open minded ourselves, and totally unracist (provided none of them actually set paw in our garden that is), so we do hope you include other breeds too. We feel we should warn you against dogs however. They don't have the sense they were born with and would only cause you trouble.

As we already have our own website and email address, we won't be availing ourselves of your generous offer, but do keep up the good work on behalf of the world's feline surfers.

Spock and Dracs

To an email asking if they "Ever Wished They Were Better in Bed"
You've certainly come to the right place! We are two red blooded males and we each spend 20 hours plus in bed every single day. We think that's a performance to be proud of, but any tips on how we can make it even better will be much appreciated. We would especially like to be put in touch with other Siamese cats so we can compare notes. Perhaps you can help with this?

Yours in anticipation,

Siamese cats Spock and Dracs

To a website described as, "not for those offended by adult content", selling women's underwear. Pictures were included in the incoming email.

Thank you very much for sending us this email. Do you have anything in fur that would be suitable for us? We are 2 Siamese cats, Dracs is lilac pointed, Spock blue pointed, so it would need to be a shade that would blend in with those colours. We would be especially interested in tail warmers and ear muffs. It gets a bit chilly around those extremeties when we're out guarding our territorial rights.

Spock and Dracs

To an invitation to visit some "hardcore" websites
Please remove us from your mailing list. What on earth makes you think we'd be interested in looking at pictures of hardcore? We are two Siamese cats. As far as we're concerned, it's what we call the ground when there's been a frost and we can't dig a hole to bury our "doings".

Spock and Dracs

To the sender of an email which said:

"Obtain a Bachelor's, Master's, MBA, or PhD based on your present knowledge and life experience.
No required tests, classes, or books."

Thank you so much for sending us this email. It's wonderful that someone has finally recognised our true potential! We have lots of life experience, especially in management skills. For example, training Ann to work for us was no small task as she's not very bright. Of course we made allowances for her, she's only human after all, but we do think she's now a credit to our skills. We've even published a couple of books about our methods to pass on the benefit of our experience to other Siamese cats.

We shall look forward to receiving our diplomas.

Siamese cats Spock and Dracs



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